Ever wondered if you are suffering from high functioning depression?

I certainly ignored it for a whole decade until it hit me hard, and I went into a major depressive disorder.

So don’t wait and start to act now!

High functioning depression is a widely unrecognised and underestimated condition, specifically because of it characteristic that people who are suffering from it are high achievers and seem to function and do just fine.

Many of them have very successful carriers and can achieve many things. They are known for their strong work ethics, doing long hours. They are ignoring symptoms of consistent low mood and bodily discomfort and discarding frequent headaches, muscular pains and irritable bowel as part of the human journey. They are just pushing through rough times with an extra cup of coffee, three bars of dark chocolate a day and painkillers. When sleep gets affected, sleeping pills get very handy and the daily little pill of antidepressants is a day saver.

I know it in and out, I was suffering from it for at least a decade and ignored it completely. I was still a teenager when it all began...

I went on to study, largely ignoring my condition and my family was also unaware of it, mainly because on the outside I seem to be functioning just fine, even with a smile on my face!

All was manageable, although heavily depleting and dis-balancing my body, mind and spirit, until one day my thoughts just stopped working and I became brain-fogged, unconcentrated and it was impossible for me to focus on a single task. My intelligent mind was the last asset I had. Without my brain power I was nothing, worthless, empty!

My kitchen got messy, I couldn’t keep up with laundry and the fridge was always empty. I started to neglect my basic needs for food and movement and stuffed myself with coffee and chocolate-chip cookies and was crashing on my couch all day long.

I kept living my trance of unworthiness, perfectionism, high achieving and walking the thin line between pushing through and braking down.

It was tangible every moment of my waking day.

Sounds familiar?

My body and my mind were in overdrive, I was in constant high alert and the stress response never took a break. My hormonal balance was out of wrack, my immune response was racing, my emotions were either burning with feelings of hopelessness or despair or were shot down completely. My mind was working on the last atoms of energy that made it to my brain.

I hit rock bottom when I held my baby girl in my hands and I felt utterly incapable of loving and comforting this little wonder in my hands, let alone developing a deep nurturing relationship with her. And it shook me to my core, although I didn’t know I had one!

The biggest moment in my life that should have been filled with wonder, unconditional love and deep intimate connection to a newly arrived being, turned out to become an unbearable nightmare for me.  I was scared to death. I was paralysed by the huge responsibility for this tiny little baby girl!

My whole reality that I lived until now shattered into million pieces and I realised there was no-one home in my inner world.

Who am I?

Why is there such an emptiness?

I didn’t know how being at home with myself feels like, how loving myself feels like, how respecting my needs and validating my feelings and emotions feels like. How living my true essence feels like. Until now I was living a lie, I was an empty shell reflecting to the outside only what others expected from me. I had no idea who I was!

And in this moment a tiny little spark of love sprung from me and landed on my little baby’s face and kissed her sincerely and lovingly. For the first time in my life, I felt a deep indescribable connection to something bigger than myself, something that was hidden from my eyes all my life but was always present within me. And much later I realised it was present for me!

I made it my mission to get to know it, to connect with it and to let it guide me in my life!

I started my journey of self-discovery and healing.

There was a bigger force at work that guided my blind programmed self to the right people at the right time.

Every encounter held just a tiny little piece of a huge puzzle of my path to Self.

I started psychotherapy with an amazing, gifted therapist, who thought me how to meditate and do deep soul searching.

As an western trained physician and deeply passionate about research I expanded my field of research to find answers and solutions to my problem.

I still felt empty, numb and without purpose and the drive to live my life.

Then one day, another kid later and after another episode of major depression that was triggered by a serious health condition of my younger child, I set at my doctor’s office asking for another month of sick leave. 

She looked me in the eyes and said: "Karmen, I think you should seriously consider going on disability retirement, we can’t hold you like that in the loop of constant sick leaves. You know that 95% of people with your medical history never make it off from medication. You will have to live with the fact that you will be depressed all your life!"

Hearing these words broke my heart….

But a moment later, through this huge crack in my heart an immense force flooded my body and claimed its presence in my being.

With a loving unconditionally supporting power holding my back, I heard myself saying with a calm, firm and unshakable voice:

“I’m one of the 5% of people who live a live full of joy, meaning, purpose and creativity after their depression. I will climb out of this no matter what! I will do it for myself, for my kids and my husband! And I will do it for all the other 95% of depressed people who don’t believe in healing from depression! I will all figure it out!”

And I did!

Now, 30 years after my first depressive symptoms started, 20 years into deep personal research and self-discovery and 10 years of being symptom free I have the roadmap! I have all the key interventions that need to be made and the one main thing that needs to be establish in order to climb out of depression.

And the one key destination is connection to the truest expression of Self!

It’s that simple, but living in this world of so much noise, distraction, expectations, unhealthy norms and mass media and industry dictating self-image and the sense of self-worth, it’s extremely difficult to sustain and needs quite a bit of effort. The key is to shut all the noise out of our fields of awareness. And focus on the one and only important thing there is, connection to our truest expression of Self.

The key is to reclaim your cognitive sovereignty. 

In the process of going deep within and exploring my inner landscape, many mysteries started to be reviled to me and I became totally obsessed with the human potential and a consciousness nerd!

But this is a whole new chapter in my story, and I will start to share more of this a bit later!

But now back to the most important thing you can do for yourself today to kick-start regaining your own sovereignty. 

I invite you to take a journal and start WRITING, every single day for the next month, to do THESE FOUR LIFE CHANGING EXERCISES!

I journal my whole life and my journals are the biggest treasures in my life.
They are my life savers. Literally!

In my darkest days, I was flowing it all out on to paper, and I always felt lighter afterwards. They were instrumental in sorting my inner thought chaos and to discern what was me and what was actually furnished by others, their expectations of who I am. 

So, let's start writing. 

FIRST...

Let's REFRAME!!!

I call depression and other mental and emotional struggles THE SYMPTOMS OF DISCONNECTION form Self.

It’s a SIGN, it’s a BIG IMPORTANT CALL TO REEVALUATE YOUR LIFE AND YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO IT!

Now brainstorm all ideas on how you can reframe your current state into one that feels better.

Write down thoughts that make you feel better.

Don’t shy away form through that make you feel angry. It’s important to express the anger and let it out. There is no better way as putting it on paper. Your loved ones will be grateful for it!

Go as up as you can with your feelings and emotions. And don’t be discouraged if you find yourself stopping in frustration….

This still feels much better then hopelessness or despair or even emptiness, doesn't it?

Pick up the pen next day and start where you are at this moment and try to fly as high as you can.

But lets continue with the journaling... 

Now... let's RELEASE!!

Start to write about all the things you are ready to release in this moment.

It can be little things like I release the need to feel upbeat, or I release the need to have my house all tidy and shiny.

When you are ready you can start to release some bigger stuff, like the guilt you are carrying with you for much to long.

Release as much as you can and observe how you feel.

Write down how you feel now!

Now... RELAX!

Write down all the areas in your life where you would like to see yourself being more relaxed and at ease.

For example; I relax into the knowingness that I’m enough the way I’m.

Or I relax into the change that comes about because my kids are growing up into teenagers.

Allow yourself to relax fully into this feeling and let go of control and worry.

Write down how you feel now!

And now... I RECONNECT TO…..

And fill in the blanks.

I reconnect to my guidance, to my intuition, to my body, to my kids, to my husband, to my breath….

To whatever you feel reconnecting in this moment, just let your inspiration flow, and expand your awareness on how you feel after you reconnect to all you would like to reconnect to in this moment in time.

Write down how you feel now!

Enjoy the process and watch the magic happen!

I would love to hear from you.

Let me know how it unfolds for you. Leave a comment under the blog!

With great love, Karmen